The early chapters of the Bell Jar pictured Esther as a character who was easy to relate to. Sure, I sometimes agreed with the points made in A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man and the Catcher in the Rye, but I still had some reservations. Both Stephen and Holden were hypocritical (and quite infuriating) at times. On the other hand, I felt a strong connection with Esther -- a striking feminist with a drive to overachieve.
In class discussions, yes, I enjoy thinking on the other side of things: I felt that Esther labeling Buddy a hypocrite was unjust and I think Esther lacks a sense of communication. However, I, like Esther, relate to her thoughts like “how can I keep up my GPA?” If I was about to witness two people “getting it on,” I’d also try to escape as fast as possible. Additionally, Esther’s reaction to the question, “what do you want to do in the future?” really hit home for me because I honestly don’t have a solid answer either. I saw Esther as a reflection of myself -- dare I say, I was the sleep-deprived Chinese woman in the mirror. I had seen myself in Esther more deeply than any other fictional character before. Yet the minute Esther started her summer in the suburbs, I felt cut off…
Before we began the novel, we were warned the novel contained some dark chapters and I thought I felt prepared. I remember Zona making a point in class about how the novel almost seems to divide itself into two completely different stories. I agree completely because I felt a sudden disconnect from the Esther I had begun to love -- as if my reflection in her shattered. Mr. Mitchell added on to that thought: the beginning chapters of the novel give us the background and significance of Esther’s downward spiral. Had I gone into this novel not knowing about Esther’s initial quirks and personality, I wouldn’t feel so… betrayed? Betrayed by the fact that one can disintegrate so quickly page by page, I didn’t really want to believe that such an issue could exist.
I think a better way to describe my shock is that it scared me. Even though I knew beforehand that the Bell Jar would take a dark turn, I didn’t think it would affect me so much. To think a character who I had seen so much of myself in break into shattered pieces of their former self broke my heart. Reading each suicidal thought felt painful: Her descriptions about her life grew cold and objectifying and all I could do was read it happen before me.
Esther became so numb to everything; How could it be so easy to fall so far? Why did it happen to a character as capable as Esther? I believe that’s what makes the Bell Jar so powerful. As a reader, we’re stuck on the observation deck unable to reach out and warn the characters we read -- like the frustrating feeling one gets when watching a stereotypical horror film. Maybe making us feel so helpless towards Esther’s struggles was Plath’s goal all along?
